I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
Randomize
