Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
Currently coming up with judgment, the game. Works well on buses, will probably be more entertaining in bars.
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
Randomize
