New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
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