Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
Randomize
