My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
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