I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Randomize