Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
Seius question. Does a penis floar when ina baht? Must find out.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
