well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
