dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
he told me it was because of the roids, but i couldn't tell if he meant ster or hem.
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
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