I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
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