my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
where am i from again
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize
