i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
Randomize
