i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
Jenna is yelling bc of the condom wrappers and cum stains. This is the 3rd and last time you have sex in my roommates bed.
Randomize
