she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
Randomize
