My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Randomize
