I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Randomize