Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
Lol, perhaps. But the drinks are so cheap, the music is better, and the bartenders and bouncers all know my name. I can't abandon it, even if it is a gay bar, its still my Nirvana.
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
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