the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
Randomize
