you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Randomize