I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
Acid king. Jackson puked a lot. Promoter booth. Angry security. No acid. Probably a good thing.
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
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