Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
Randomize
