goodnight i made you a song goodbye
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
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