The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
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