end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
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