Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
Randomize
