if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
Randomize
