things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize