my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
this just has baby written all over it
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
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