you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
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