There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Randomize
