When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
Randomize
