I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Randomize
