These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
Randomize
