I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
dude last night I threw my weed into my back yard. there is now a foot of snow. after an hour I found my weed. if I put that effort into school, i'd have a 4.0.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
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