I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
I've been emailing with a woman. I don't think she's into me, but we've become sorta email buddies. I'm hoping to meet her because on her profile she states she's into 'fisting.' Frankly the thought kinda freaks me out but I'm dying to see what kind of woman is 1) into that and 2) admits it upfront.
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
Randomize
