Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
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