Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
The forest. Magic mushrooms. Wind trees leaves sky. That is alll.
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
Randomize
