Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
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