My girlfriend figured out who you are.
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
Randomize
