i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
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