If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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