I lost my shoes and bra and was beyond mapquesting
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
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