I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
Randomize
