Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
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