I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
