The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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