If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
There are work activities and non work activities and dunking my head in a bucket of ice water pulling it out and shotguning a beer is certainly not a work activity
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
Randomize
