Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
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