He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
Randomize
