We got so high we made milksteak
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
Right after i got done cumming i sat back and gave a big Ric Flair "WOOOOOO!"
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