and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
Randomize
