I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
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