I got chris browned last night
worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
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