Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
