you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
Randomize
