I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
Randomize
