That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
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