i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
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